| Yesterdays |
[04 May 2009|12:29pm] |
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Grieving |
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music |
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Eva Cassidy |
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It's been a very, very, long time since I have journaled, and I feel like maybe it's time to continue forward and begin journaling once again. It is indeed a cathartic and emotionally important excersise in cataloging one's life.
The last time I posted I was still living in my home town of Tulsa, aching to get out and head west to the pacific northwest. I still have that goal and dream in mind and heart.
Adrian and I have gone through some very difficult times up to about a month ago. Financially and mentally health wise for us both. The wreckage of that takes a toll on one's mind and heart at times.
Fortunantly now, we are free to work and finish up school in an exquisite place you'll hear me reffer to as the Magic Cottage. We reside there with our dear friends and chosen (Leather) family members, Summer and John. I am forever in their debt for showing us what it means to really be alive.
Recently, my granny Laura passed away after 3-4 years of grueling painful sickness....I was alongside my Pa, her husband of 58 years in caregiving for her while she was in hospice care, where she graduated out of hospice care and lived another two years. She was in an unfair amount of physical pain and agony before leaving this world for a place with no troubles....She passed away on April 16th, 2009 at the age of 74. I miss her so very very much. It had been a long time since she was able to carry on a coherent lucid conversation, it would come in bits and peices as it typically does in the elderly who are sick.
All my life I had been dreading the day when she and her husband, my Pa, passed becuase I was closer to them than my parents who I don;t have an optimal relationship with. The bond I have with Granny and Pa surpasses many things I cannot even begin to describe. I'm goign to miss Granny but I am relieved for her that she is no longer in agony.
Today my Mother called the Magic Cottage here in Norman to tell me that her father, my other Grandfather died suddenly in his sleep after being ridden with various heart and diabetic conditions which were rather serious in nature. I've been handling Granny's death far better than I expected and I have to thank Adrian, Summer and John for that, and the woods around the house and all of the little creatures that remind me of what life really is all about.
But today I am teary and thoughtful. Mom called 45 minutes ago to tell me about her dad....I am signifigantly more teary this time. There are so many things swirling in my mind and I guess the good thing that has come of this is that I now feel a desire to try and contact my parents who I may not have a good relationship with; but despite that and despite their effort or lack thereof I feel compelled to make an effort, they (parents and paternal granfather, "Pa") are all I have left and no matter what they are still my parents.
Here's to living life with absolute meaning and mindfullness.
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(11 filthy lines | I'll show you how a real bad girl can be a real good Lady.)
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| Queer people don't take marriage for granted + other recent major epiphanies and mischellany |
[25 Sep 2008|11:09pm] |
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"The Supine" - Andrew Bird |
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My gorgeous boy is cooking what smells like the world's most delicious tacos in the kitchen, Jeff Buckley is heard from the laptop's speakers while I scribble circles on the blank slate in my head that I am trying to unfurl into some semblance of coherent, cathartic journaling. Here's to my success in this endeavor. ...The tacos were indeed from god. Damn good...damn good boy. A few days ago we (the boy and I) visited a very close friend of mine, Aiden, who was once my lover, Leather brother (we once had the same Daddy and served her together) and needless to say we're bonded at the soul level. While we were all catching up with one another he (who is also a transgendered man) was telling me that he and his girlfriend have decided that they're going to get married. Being that he was born female, marriage under the law is quite the topic for thought and discussion....
 Until recently I took the emphatic position that although adrian (my slaveboy) is my partner as well as my boy, we would NOT take advantage of marriage rights once his birth certificate reads "Male"....my reasoning was until ALL GLBT/Queer people are able to have their commitments recognized under the law, I saw no reason why I should either. Besides, I've long felt that marriage has never applied to me anyhow, as a queer woman. Adding to the mix, I never had any consistent, healthy examples of marriage to recall as a frame of reference from my childhood other than my beloved Granny and pa who've been married for 58 years to date....All of the above in mind, I very inquisitively asked him why they were choosing to get married when so many others suffer under the lack of civil rights GLBT people endure whilst being denied the 1,000+ benefits marriage provides under the law (including but not limited to: having privileges granted by default such as the ability to make life decisions for one another when one is hospitalized, or otherwise incapacitated or having any say-so at all about how the death and memorial of the other partner is carried out). For me, these issues weigh very heavily on my heart and mind and until the conversation between our friend and us came along about his choice to marry his love; it (marriage) was entirely out of the question. Here are some of the things that come to mind for me when I think of marriage: *Marriage is the last nail in the coffin of our queer visibility (Everyone thinks we're either heterosexual, or I am his fag hag and they sure as hell never assume that I wear the pants. The lack of visibility we both experience is by far one of the most difficult aspects of our lives as gender variant people, having both come from lesbian origins) *Marriage allows those involved to be loved unconditionally for who they really are, flaws included. *Marriage means sharing the same life values and goals for each others individual futures. *Marriage means mutual devotion. *Marriage means family (in whatever manifestation it may take) *Marriage means tax breaks. *Marriage means a serious issue of social injustice in our nation for Queer people like myself and my slaveboy. *Marriage means socially-perceived heterosexuality. *Marriage means the unfamiliar, the unknown. *Marriage means an indefinite amount of time. *Marriage means companionship. *Marriage means subversion (in our case) *Marriage means society would acknowledge our relationship at face value. *Marriage means many more things than this list alone... What my good friend said about his decision to marry his girlfriend was that he feels it is subversive in the sense that it is a conscious decision to sanctify their relationship under the law via a loophole which enables them to create their own definition of marriage on their own terms. And my-oh-my what the social conservatives of this nation would do to stop such a thing from happening! But guess what?!?! No one can ask an individual to submit to a pants-down examination of their genitalia prior to signing off on a marriage license, and what's more...defining gender or even the sexed body is far more complex than a person's genitalia as the intersexed and those that love them are well aware. Not even the law can tell you what your gender is, they can argue sex but biology is mind-blowingly complex...all of this simply proves that gender is not binary. Both legal and social definitions of gender, sex, and sexuality have changed throughout history, across all cultures under varying socio-economic circumstances, power influences, and a whole host of other external variables. He did say that as people whose lives are dedicated to social justice work, that during the ceremony, they will make clear mention of their condemnation of our nation's denial of the right for all to marry as they see fit....because in the end, Aiden said he is simply taking advantage of the protections and privileges of marriage that he hopes all and any who seek it are rightfully granted under federal law. And you know what? He's onto something there, and all this time I have failed to see these truths for myself; new perspective gained. In fact, the discussion turned into a very primal emotional response in me...slapping me in the face with new truths that I had never before thought about....and realizations about what suffering could come if my boy and I chose not to marry...my domineering mother who neither of us are close to would have every and all authority to do whatever she wished with me should the worst happen, when in all reality (as far as we're concerned) it would be adrian's place to see to what I would wish for myself and care for me accordingly and vise-versa. Even the slightest thought that I would have absolutely no legal rights to my beloved's well-being in cases of hospitalization, death, and the like inspires a very real sense of anger in me...I would go down fighting tooth and nail if I were barred from visiting him in the hospital should he be in critical condition and such a visceral reaction would not work in my favour. So....as you can imagine I am in the midst of some serious soul-searching about marriage and whether or not I will change my mind and decide to marry so that I can rest assured that some of our life's most important decisions can be made for and amongst ourselves as partners. My original thought was that our formal collaring ceremony which we have been planning for, would double as our commitment ceremony....but now I've got a whole fuck-ton of things to hash out in my mind on this very relevant topic. Heavy. OH, and how blessed we are! Recently we were invited to join the Leather family of two close friends of ours (something I take a great amount of seriousness in considering) and I gratefully accepted their warm invitation as they (and the rest of the family) are all people I can safely say are people I respect immensely and happen to share a slew of commonalities and other kindred connections with, so it just made sense. In reading her most recent blog, Miss Chrissie, my good friend and one of the matriarchs of the Leather family had the following to say about the boy and I which reduced me to misty-eyed humility, wonder, and gratitude: ..."Saturday more family/friends joined us all for an impromptu cookout. After all the kids left, we decided on an impromptu party. And wow what a party it was! Some awesome scenes took place. None of us wanted the weekend to end. Then this past weekend we had friends over again, just for a quiet weekend to hang out. The sweet boy came back again as well as the wonderful couple who had been here for the first time the weekend before. The connection with us and all 3 of them was incredible. The more we talked, which we did til the wee hours of the morning, the more we realized how many commonalities we shared... Sunday brought another wonderful addition to our family as we asked the special couple, who we share so much with, to join our Leather family. They represent everything we admire and respect in Leather people. They are both honest, open, forthcoming, self-assured, intelligent, caring, and have the highest of integrity. They gracefully accepted which made us very happy. So we were blessed three new members to our Leather family. It was a very proud and humbling weekend. Each and every person who has joined our family brings something different and unique to the it. I am so humbled that the universe selected me to co-head this wonderful group of people. I hope I never fall short or let them down. I am so blessed to be surrounded by such incredible people, in my family, my clan, and my tribe. Each person that I connect with in this journey helps me to grow as a person and Leatherwoman and brings me insight. While I sit here and try to put all this into words, I know it is impossible. I only hope those who read this can read between the lines and see the emotions I struggle to express. Although I have been in this lifestyle for more than half of my life, I sometimes feel as if I am just beginning..."
Wow, are we ever blessed. So that's the latest. More later.
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(7 filthy lines | I'll show you how a real bad girl can be a real good Lady.)
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| So I used to blog/journal all the time.... |
[24 Sep 2008|09:05pm] |
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"Gimme a pigfoot & a bottle of beer" - Bessie |
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....and I've taken a 2 year hiatus. So welcome me back, won't you? I've got a lot to process. Firstly, the boy and I have been together for two years now: time flies! We've endured much and grown closer together for it,and I am genuinely grateful for every ounce of patience he has had with me through the jagged road we've traveled together; taking life as it comes at us with full force. In June of this year, I ran in and won the South Central Leather Woman contest and have since been brainstorming travel-fund fund raising ideas, educating people about domestic violence awareness and prevention in the Leather and GLBT communities, and trying not to have an anxiety attack when I think about the fact that I'll be competing at International Ms. Leather in San Fran in March. It's funny because as gifted and passionate as I am with teaching and volunteerism, I've found little luck thus far with people in the community putting me to work this title year of mine, and having me come to present. Maybe there is some secret to it that I'm missing or maybe I'm just being impatient. There are so many things I'm wanting to accomplish this year and am awaiting the calls to duty while signing myself up where I can. Last weekend two of my good friends invited the boy and I into their close-knit Leather family and I accepted. Recently I had been feeling a real need to belong to a family of people who I respect and am kindred among, and this we have found within the Rainbow Triquetra. It was an odd place to be: 7 years into my Leather journey, having been slavegirl to my former owner at the dawn of my path. This created an avenue for having served hard and well and now having a slaveboy of my own, I felt really compelled to have a family to call 'home' to and yet did not have any desire to enter into a family dynamic that required me to be on the lowest ranks: I've done my time in that way already a few times over. We are both delighted that this family of incredibly honourable people have embraced us so sincerely and generously. I find myself frustrated in this moment, grasping at things to compose; it seems to have been so long since I've written and I absolutely positively need to stay in frequent practice. Writing helps me digest. More later, the boy just came home....
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(13 filthy lines | I'll show you how a real bad girl can be a real good Lady.)
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| Leather Luau, Fantasy Competition, & Pansexual Play Party |
[22 Jul 2008|09:52pm] |
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"Fotzepolitic" - Cocteau Twins |
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When: Saturday August 30th 2008 from 6PM to 2AM
6-9 PM Luau
Where: Xpressions
Prizes: $ 50.00 cash for the best fantasy
Auction/Items for Drawing - Some items will be live auctioned and some will be silent auctioned
Two packages for International LeatherSir, boy and Community Bootblack Competition
in San Francisco, Ca during Columbus Day Weekend ($278.00 value), Cane and paddle,
$ 10, $20, $30 dollar gas card drawing, Mini DVD Player Drawing, cane and paddle set, bottle of wine,
Autographed books by Tim Brough, quick bondage ties, leather chaps (worn by International LeatherSir 2007,
Olivier Pratt), Leather Picture Frame, Leather Scented Candles, gift certificate for a custom made flogger, set of scotch glasses,
duct tape, Monte Cristo Cigars, Crystal Candy Dish, Autographed International LeatherSir/boy picture, candle warmer,
Urban Hankies, cum towels, leather bad boy paddle
Featuring: Lindsey VanLusty, South Central Leather Woman 2008 ( aka ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) kinkedriotfemme )
David Howell, South Central Leather Sir 2008
boy matt, South Central Leather boy 2008
x-ina, South Central Boot Black 2008
Luau is $15.00 per plate, play party $5.00 per person
Brought to you by, Flesh and Fantasy (South Central Leather Contests) and The House of the Rainbow Triquetra, Asylume Noir
RSVP with Terrell
fleshandfantasy@sbcglobal.net
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(1 filthy line | I'll show you how a real bad girl can be a real good Lady.)
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[08 Jun 2008|11:43pm] |
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the rain against my window |
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DISCLAIMER: My mind is jello at the moment, at almost midnight on sunday after pride weekend before I have to wake at 6:45 am...read at your own risk!
Alright ya'll here we go.....My basket is ready....the Other many preparations are in the works....The wardrobe is still left to be decided and I am healthily nervous. This is my first run in a Leather contest and it just so happens to be a REGIONAL not local or state title.....So, come out and support the community and keep me in your thoughts/meditations/prayers as I prepare for one ass-whoopin of a week getting ready for this competition; please and thank you, my friends and Leather family!
This run for me means so much more than a weekend of fun and self-inflicted anxiety-related masochism....It is something I have been working towards for the last seven years. Those who know me most intimately will recall that my personal Leather journey began with a rich but bumpy start which sparked my mission to successfully run for and win a national (eventually) title which would allow me to carry on a tradition that my Leather path was borne from (I sprouted from a family of international title holders). For good or ill, that turbulent beginning served as a catalyst in my service-oriented heart.
Moments after enduring the blow of nonconsentual violence, I said to myself, "Girl, you're gonna do some good things, and undo some serious wrongs; doing yourself some personal and community-wide justice by shedding light upon the very real and under-discussed topic of Domestic Violence within the Leather/Fetish/BDSM communities....in healing what remains of your own wounds and hopefully opening others eyes up to this issue and hopefully preventing such from happening in their lives" ......Interrestingly enough, all of the above said, the most signifigant lesson I have gained, having learned very early on, is that no matter one's status, rank, authority, TITLE, ect and so forth, a Leatherperson must get to know another and judge that individual for themselves; not by any title or status bestowed upon them...but by virtue of their character, personal integrity and honour.... anything less is dangerous.
This lesson hit me harder than most any other in this life I have lived.
I will do my best to serve the community and to raise awareness (and alot of funds!). Wish me luck this week, I need it! and please make it out this weekend to the Tulsa Eagle for the South Central Leather Contests!
Xoxoxo,
Ms. Lindsey
p.s.
here we are most recently for David's IML send-off fundraiser...
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(7 filthy lines | I'll show you how a real bad girl can be a real good Lady.)
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| exclusion of transgender and other gender variant people... |
[19 Oct 2007|06:41am] |
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capitol banner
URGENT UPDATE on ENDA from the
National Center for Transgender Equality
October 18, 2007
http://www.nctequality.org/
House committee decides to advance a version of ENDA
that cuts out protections for transgender people
I am writing from the hearing room of the House Committee on Education and Labor. Sadly, I write to report that the Committee just passed by a vote of 27 to 21 the substitute Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA) that was introduced specifically to exclude transgender and other gender variant people.
We are greatly disappointed that the committee chose to move forward with a bill that is not endorsed by a single LGBT organization. It is historically unprecedented that Congress would pass a civil rights law that the civil rights community--including those it is meant to protect--do not want.
Tremendous effort by over three hundred organizations--including NCTE--and tens of thousands of individuals came close to fixing ENDA after it was precipitously gutted to exclude gender identity and transgender people. Unfortunately, we have fallen short at this stage.
It is not over. NCTE will continue over the next few days to look for opportunities to impact H.R.3685 to return to it the original intent of H.R.2015.
Additionally, because it is very unlikely that any Employment Non-Discrimination Act will be signed into law, NCTE and many of our allies will continue to work to demand an ENDA in the next Congress that meets the needs of the LGBT.
NCTE applauds the efforts of the many individuals and organizations who have worked so hard thus far on behalf of all LGBT people. We especially applaud the very brave NO votes cast this morning by absolutely firm LGBT supporters who voted NO as a statement that ENDA without gender identity is not worth passing. These members, who deserve our thanks for standing so strongly on moral principle include Reps. Yvette Clarke (D-NY), Rush Holt (D-NJ), Linda Sanchez (D-CA), Dennis Kucinich (D-OH).
The National Center for Transgender Equality is a national social justice organization devoted to ending discrimination and violence against transgender people through education and advocacy on national issues of importance to transgender people. The National Center for Transgender Equality is a 501(c)3 organization. For more information, please visit www.nctequality.org.
We need your support to continue this work. Click here to join our mailing list or to donate now. Thank you!
http://www.nctequality.org/
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(I'll show you how a real bad girl can be a real good Lady.)
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| one day at a time |
[17 Oct 2007|12:35pm] |
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contemplative |
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Whoever makes love grow boundless, and sets his mind for seeing the end of birth, his fetters are worn thin. If he loves even a single being, Good will follow. But the Noble One with compassionate heart for all mankind, generates abounding good. - Buddha
siramor , you and S. entered my dreams last night....I dreamt that Myself and adrian were able to drive to your home for dinner and laughed together and connected as friends do.....I think it's a sign.
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(2 filthy lines | I'll show you how a real bad girl can be a real good Lady.)
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| losing my religion |
[11 Oct 2007|03:13pm] |
After a year of being marooned out on survival-mode-island, I have decided it is time for me to start journaling again.
There have been a variety of changes in my life which have happened over the last year or so, and there are about to be some more big changes to come. Right now, i am about as low as i can go, but the only way to get out is up and i am doing everything i know how, to ascend.
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(7 filthy lines | I'll show you how a real bad girl can be a real good Lady.)
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| the future's so bright......I gotta wear shades..... |
[30 Jan 2007|01:45pm] |
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"son of a preacher man" - Joan Osborne |
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I'm just living the life.....
So happy to have my boy with me by my side.
School again this semester, and loving it as usual (no math!!)
My desktop, despite the death of the laptop is phenomenal, and lemme tell you, honey, everything looks better in a big 19" ! *wink*
Me and the boy are learning and growing as the days pass, and although there were alot of stressors at the beginning of our relationship.....we are beginning to formulate the structural stuiff in terms of our D/s which for good or ill, got the back seat due to life getting in the way, stressful events and such.
Since he is new to his Leather journey, we are trying to formulate some concrete structural stuff as well as some ideas about putting together a contract. If any of you out there, sweet friends, have some thoughts about contracts, and content, please share your thoughts, we're brainstorming here, about what will work for us and what may not.
In breaking news, it appears that Myself and the boy will be judging the Tulsa Mr. Leather contest in May, a first for us both, judging, so that is exciting!
The boy wants to start learning how to learn to work with Leather and make S/m accoutrements and such. I thinkt hat would be good to him.
I on the other hand, want to learn to dance, and get over my dance-phobia! (Johnny, are you PROUD or what?!?!?) Wall-flower Mama no more!
Also, I'm thinking that on sunday mornings, Me and the boy will start going through the several Unitarian congregations that are around locally, and the temple I go to as well, switching off, Unitarian one sunday, Temple the next, and so forth.....
Lots of goals and good things to be greatful for, despite last year's stresses. Things are looking bright.
AND......The pacific northwest/San Fran are not nearly as far away as they've seemed before......we'll be there within the next 3 years for sure, if not much sooner.
More later.....
Here are some photos my friend Andrew took of me the other day.....
taken on 1/27/2007 by Andrew Hicks (http://www.andrewhicksonline.com)
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(15 filthy lines | I'll show you how a real bad girl can be a real good Lady.)
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| I'm back. |
[25 Jan 2007|11:14am] |
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Hi!
For those of you not in the know, my brand new laptop got fried and died, so I had to wait until my most recent student loan refund came in, in order to be able to get a desktop, and consequently, a connection to the internet. NO I have not been ignoring anyone.
Should I not be around for any extended period of time, and you begin to worry, I hope that you will call me on my cell. you want my digits? Ask.
Love you all.
 In the meantime, here's a response I just posted to a friend's post on being pigeon-holed inaccurately by some friendly neighborhood butches and femmes....
Oh god. Here we go....
Remember how I told you all about my identity and how I do not feel "at home" as a lesbian although I am about 96.5% 'mo by most people's standards? Well.....it seems that in the search to know one's identity and to establish a sense of community, some people within the world of lesbianhood, and in this case, specifically, the butch/femme community appear to have constructed a rigid sense about what it means to be either butch or femme. Funny, how those individuals got upset by the non-butch/femme-fitter-inner (pun intended) but yet they were so quick to speak about and categorize, those who do not match their conception of what it means to be "butch" or "femme".
As you and others are well aware, my sexual orientation and gender identity extends far beyond the reach of these seemingly socially acceptable categories.
I am destined to an exiled life....and I am glad. I do not like the silly "rules" and expectations placed upon women within the lesbian status-quo. That does not mean I take issue with lesbians; I identified that way for a long time, and I do, despite what others think I ought to be, identify as femme.
I will tell you though, that in the world of butch/femme I am considered a "Bad femme". In my youthfull and exuberant search for a community of people like myself, when I was apart of the butch/femme community I ultimately found a few things i just could not do.
See, good femmes are seemingly bound to the following:
-They only fuck butches
-They only bottom in the sack (pillow princesses)
-They are not dominant
-They do not typically have a butch for a submissive
-They are always "feminine" in appearance
-They ought not be bisexual openly, lest they be not taken seriously as a viable femme.
-They don't eat pussy
-Although transmen are now more accepted in the BF community, there were many times I was shunned for having Trans parters who identified as male. "You're not really a dyke, why don't you just fuck a man?".
Here are some butch/femme standards for butches that I also took issue with:
-Butches must be interrested in sports, undesireable outlooks on butch masculinity....in other words, Hyper-masculine.
-They do not enjoy crafty or otherwise "pretty" things other than who they are fucking.
-Butches are expected to uphold silly ideas about what it means to be feminine, in terms of their femme partners, which sometimes leads to butches perpetually using their femmes as competitive arm-candy.
-Butches are expected to not be submissive, nor bottom sexually.
-God forbid a butch have a Mistress/Femme Top.
-God forbid they fuck other butches.
-Butches do well by upholding a silly sense of asshole-ness....i.e. the perpetual "Bad boy" complex.
-Butches are the saviors of all femmes.
-God forbid butches be bisexual.
....and the lists go on and on.
See, I just can't fit into those boxes. Am I not femme?
I consider myself a world-class butch connoseur and enthusiast, but I cannot subscribe to such highly limiting and ignorant ideas about what should and should not take placein one;s life as it relates to their sexual and gender identities. Let's also note, that most importantly here, GENDER IDENTITY AND SEXUAL ORIENTATION ARE NOT ONE AND THE SAME. CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF.
Just take a look at my personal life, as an example, and you will see that clearly.
I could go on and on about this topic for days. So, I will stop now, and you know where to find me should you have any more questions regaurding my personal experience and ideas about this topic.
The jist of what I'm saying here, Allison, is that, I understand. I've been where you are.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Despite what some Nazi-like individuals may try to tell you.
To thine own self be true.
xoxo,
Lindsey
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(21 filthy lines | I'll show you how a real bad girl can be a real good Lady.)
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| STOP LAUGHING |
[21 Nov 2006|08:06pm] |
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mood |
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pissed off |
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TRANS PEOPLE ARE NOT FUCKING FUNNY.
I know I'm supposed to be all understanding about the fact that people are not going to readily understand or accept gender-variant people, but I just have to vent for a moment and say that it pisses me off to hear that today when my boy, adrian, went into Target for his new job's orientation, soem employees went to make copies of his I.D. and they went into the other room to do so and proceeded to laugh about him.
Right now, in this moment, I am enraged.
I'll get back to my senses in a moment but for now, it makes me ill to think that anyone would be that unacceptably rude and inconsiderate to their fellow human-kind.
end-infuriated-rant-here.
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(25 filthy lines | I'll show you how a real bad girl can be a real good Lady.)
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